#4 Fate sealed by my name

It is part of African tradition to name your children as a result of the things that were happening in the parents' lives at the time of the child's birth, either negative or positive.  This can centred around circumstances that the mother had during the pregnancy, the achievements hoped for in the child's lifetime (and how this will impact the family) or the type of personality the child is expected to have.  Sinqobile takes us on a journey of how her name was the key to unlocking her true potential and how this has prepared her for a new beginning...

I remember waking up to the loud screams of my aunt, banging on our bedroom door and fumbling with the unlocked door handle to open and seek refuge among us – mere kids. Refuge from what? I wondered.  From my knife wielding uncle who that night I only remember as a demon.  His eyes were bloodshot, marked with fury and thirst. This thirst, my young mind at the time, did not understand.  My cousins, my younger brother and I quickly sobered from our sleep and huddled together on one of the two double beds in the bedroom we shared.  My aunt fell on the bed next to us, still screaming for us to get help.  What kind of help? I remember being so confused.  Nevertheless, we dashed out from the bedroom and into the kitchen where we found my uncle, knife in one hand and suicide note with funeral cover papers in the other.

As he tossed the papers to one of my cousins – their eldest daughter – I remember spotting from the corner of my eye a knife on the counter.  For a split second I contemplated grabbing it and ending this life of misery by stabbing my uncle.  I imagined having the courage to end the reign of this monster once and for all.  For there had been many nights like this. But as my then tiny, innocent hands closed around the knife handle, I realised that I did not have the courage to harm another human being.  Feeling defeated, I let the knife drop to the floor and ran outside aimlessly into the cold, still night.  To escape such moments, my mind often imagined younger me confiding in an older, stronger me, where older me would say to younger me – look where I am now, all this shall pass and it shall be well with you.

This is my earliest memory of a time when I felt the burden to live out my name.  At birth my parents named me Sinqobile –  which means that ‘(through me) we have conquered’.  Over the years I never gave much thought to the meaning of my name.  However, subconsciously the meaning continued to define the path my life would take.  There is an inexplicable, indescribable loneliness in being fated to be everyone’s rescuer...something that I often thought super heroes on television felt – always helping or saving everyone.  Everyone but yourself.

As I got older, I made a decision to stop being a victim of my name, but to embrace it.  Yes, many have conquered through me, but through Christ I found strength to be a conqueror of my own battles and life journey.  I went from being a timid withdrawn little girl and emerged as a confident, determined young woman.  The moment I stopped living my life as a victim of my name I began to excel both academically and in my career.  Over the years I received national, continental and international awards.

Most recently, I found out that I am expecting my first child.  Again I am called to be this little person’s hero…this being growing inside me.  In the past I may have imagined that this would bring feelings of anxiety and a burden, but instead has come the purest expression of love and selflessness I have ever experienced.  I feel that this little baby, my first child, isn’t just an embryo growing inside of me, but that he or she is the most perfect extension of myself and my life partner that will soon be born into the world. The little kicks from my belly are a warm reminder of the love growing inside of me.  And despite the challenges I face, the determination to nurture and provide for my baby and to create loving environment for him or her in which to develop, is much greater. A new chapter of my life has started.

Looking ahead, I was talking with my life partner about baby names. Funny enough his first name is Winslow and he expressed how he always felt that in everything he does he's a 'slow but sure winner'. Although we haven't yet settled on a baby name, we agreed to give considerable thought to it.

My life experiences have made me realise that at birth we are all named. Even those with seemingly meaningless names since at times our parents or relatives speak certain things about us at the point of our birth. However, I have found it important to understand one's name and its meaning. Thereafter, you can decide how you want your life journey to be defined instead of going about life in an apparent comatose state, haunted in your subconscious by the meaning of a name you never thought to seek or understand.

- Contributor: Sinqobile Ndlovu